In part one I discussed the basic framework of why I rarely encounter resistance. In this post I will talk about exceptions to the rule. In the next post I’ll talk about what to do when client’s answer “I don’t know” to my questions about what they want to do and how they want to get there.
It has been my experience using this framework that the only times I encounter resistance is when I myself have unwittingly taken on an agenda or I’m holding to a set of beliefs. This can happen easily enough.
For example, say I’m chatting with Mr. X at a party. He asks me what I do. I tell him. He seems very interested and starts asking detailed questions about how I work and how I understand some types of psychopathology. As we chat, it becomes clear that Mr. X really gets it and understands how it all works. He also seems to appreciate my ideas.
A week later I get a call from Mr. X asking if we can meet for a few sessions to work on some issues he’s facing. He says that he is low on funds and would like to make the sessions very focused so we can work quickly. I book the appointment, and Mr. X comes in.
Halfway through the session I feel like I’m struggling. I notice it physically. In my chest, my breathing, in the clenching of my airway. I know the feeling and what it signals. I run a silent Two Column in my mind to figure out what exactly is going on.
Hmm. Interesting. I want to get right to work on his issues (as he has explicitly stated he wants!), yet every time I try and zoom in, Mr. X pulls back. Very odd. It seems we have differing agendas.
But why would I have the agenda? And why would he keep pulling back?
Some more quick Two Columning…
Aha! Mr. X seems very very distrustful of me. This clashes with my assumption (based on our conversation) that he trusted me. As I had been going with my earlier assumption (which was not a poor choice as it often is correct), and Mr. X specifically asked to work quickly because he is low on funds, I didn’t quite notice the facts in front of my face that Mr. X was not ready to work on his issue and first we needed to build trust.
With this knowledge in mind, I mention it. “Hey, I’ve noticed something. You mentioned on the phone that you wanted to work with focus and quickly. I also thought that you trusted me. It seems that every time I try and focus us, you pull back. For example, when I asked… And that’s ok to pull back. You might need to build some trust in me. I do want to point out however, that if we don’t focus in that this might take longer. And I know you’re short on funds. So what do you think about all that?”
In essence, I have adopted some assumptions based on earlier events. Using those assumptions, I jumped into a certain agenda and belief set, assuming that my client was on board. When in reality he wasn’t, I felt that resistance. And so we see how resistance happens when I have an agenda that is not the same as the clients.
This of course can happen for personal reasons. If a client has been sent to me by a potential future referral source, I might have an agenda to help the client really well so the source wants to send more clients to me. And boom, we have an opportunity for resistance!
The key is, notice how it feels for you when the client is resisting, and use that signal as an important source of information telling you that it’s time to explore (perhaps using the Two Column Tool) what your own agendas and beliefs are. This will often lead you right to the issue so you can take care of it and neutralize it.
JYK
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